Haley had a bloody nose last night. Its kinda scary to check in on your sleeping babies to find one of their faces all nasty. It lasted about an hour, I pinched it like the ENT told me, once again it didnt stop in 30 seconds. It was not even close to the ones before but still gives you that punched in the stomach feeling. I could tell haley was worried about having to go back, so we talked about it and joked about how horrible it was before and this one is nothing. I know the things we joke about, you have to laugh to keep from crying. I could see it running down the back of her throat. Thats always fun. She didnt get sick though. Shes good now.

About a month ago I went through a horrible time in my head, I actually thought if God was going to take her, I just wanted him to do it. Why go through this for years? Why pretend to look forward to the future, if there may not be one? Why make memories just to sit and have to remember when shes gone?
Ok I realized the other day that this is the most ridiculous thing I have EVER thought. And I take it back 100%. I only told a few people, and even when I said it out loud I felt like it was wrong, but I felt it.
No longer. I want every single second I have with Haley, Ashley and Nick. If any of them leave me earlier then I want them to, I want to have thousands of memories to think about until I get to see them again.
we are always told to cherish every second with our kids because it goes by so fast. Why dont we listen to that advice? maybe some of you do, I am guilty of not. I have missed so many times that could have been great moments because I was frustrated and took it out on them, or I wanted to be lazy and didnt take them to play, or its Monday night, my show is on.... and didnt read a book with them. The list could go on and I could make a whole new list for Nick. This is sad.
So from now on I am making good memories, every moment will have joy even if my heart is breaking. I will fail, I know that, but I will recognize and start over with  the next moment. If we only have 5 days or 20 years, I want it to be the best they can be.
I am worn out from being worried about what I cannot control. So I will attempt to take some very good advise, He basically asked, what do you gain by worrying about this? My answer was a heart ache, frustration, more anxiety, nothing I want..... well shit.